Le Rape Du Math

WARNING!  I am writing this after having been forced to do long division.  I was helping a friend, who was helping a friend, do a study.  And I really like those people.  Yet, I find that I feel almost nearly maybe legitimately victimized by the whole ordeal.  And worst of all, there is no one to be mad at.  Only the inconstant abstract of math.  Long Division ass raped me.  And it didn’t even do me the common courtesy of a reach around.

For Serious.

For Serious.

I laughed out loud, in a large group of people when I read the following line in Coetzee’s Disgrace; “I’m sorry my child, I just find it hard to whip up interest in the subject.  It’s admirable, what you do, what she does, but to me animal-welfare people are a bit like Christians of a certain kind.  Everyone is so cheerful and well-intentioned that after a while you itch to go off and do some raping and pillaging.  Or to kick a cat” (Coetzee 333).  Cool Cat thought of me when she read this line as well.  And it is true!  Inside of me, there is something that rebels against this “caring” thing.  I find that I care about little, in the passionate way that so many animal rights activists, or christians, or neo-nazi’s care about their causes.  I care when others are silenced.  I was thinking about it today, and I care very much so when ideas or points of views, even ones I disagree with, are silenced or treated unfairly.  However, as for causes I myself care about?  Usually the fluffier the subject, like saving cute bunnies and kitties and stopping slaughterhouses so cows can live in a big manure orgy somewhere on a bovine reservation, the darker and more vitriolic my response.  I am angered by the thought of caring!  And it is good to say it in a blog, I suppose.  Elizabeth Costello says, in regards to Kafka’s writing, “Kafka stays awake during the gaps when we are sleeping.  That is where Kafka fits in'” (Coetzee 32).  I wonder if that is the truth of those who embrace animal rights.  Do they stay awake, concious of the suffering the rest of us sleep through?  Or is it simply their passion, and it is our duty, each of us, to find similar passions in our own lives?  What does the constant drive to disengage reason, remove critical thought and feel the truth mean?  This seems like THE cardinal sin to me.  Not because it is ineffective.  But because it IS effective.  I was the student of a man who was a spiritual advisor of sorts, and often I would participate in exercises precisely like the one we will attempt tomorrow.  However, this man always stressed the importance of trust in the equation.  You must not open yourself to those whom you do not trust.  I find, that when I ask the question inside of myself, I do not trust the course.  It feels one sided, and dangerously slanted towards and aggressive and pervasive agenda.  The impetus to feel…to not think…is the one piece of advice I think I will reject.  Not because I do not believe it works, but because I believe it is a space that you should only allow those whom you trust to have your very best interests at heart into.  Not to allow those with viral world visions to poison your inner sanctum.  This is a feeling I have, and I am expressing it here, so that it does not pop up tomorrow into a space where we will all be trying to “love” our way into a more productive discussion.  Yet inside of me, beyond this cage of confusion, I find myself feeling like the Jaguar in Ted Hughes first poem, “He spins from the bars, but there’s no cage to him:  More that to the visionary his cell: His stride is wildernesses of freedom:  The world rolls under the long thrust of his hell.:  Over the cage floor the horizons come.” (Hughes 330).  In all of this madness, inside of me I cannot shake the feeling that there is something that knows my answer.  Perhaps by opening to it, I will discover it.  Who knows?  We will see.

Perhaps my inner soul...

Perhaps my inner soul...

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~ by dadaniel on February 26, 2009.

2 Responses to “Le Rape Du Math”

  1. Wish I could be there to see it 😉

  2. I think it’s interesting that you don’t think protecting views is caring. I mean a right to an opinion is a right. And caring is about the protection of others’ rights.

    I also think it’s interesting that you don’t like the concept of caring, but appreciate trust. I think trust arises once you are certain that another cares about you. They’re intertwined in my view. Caring without knowing someone is definitely much harder than the alternative, and possibly counter-intuitive. But I think that it’s hard to trust someone that disregards people they don’t know.

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